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just wondering why they have a box to put your name in when you can just put someone else's name 
Sucks when you find out you have crabs and are allergic to shellfish
I am not really sure I can trust panda express. They say they have talking, emoting pandas that eat meat....sounds too good too be true
Just ran into the ex-girlfriend. She's doing fine ...but my poor car was totaled beyond recognition
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I cant take this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you are coming to my room.
there someone making $ off of all this "Liking" on FB?
If the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.
My children have turned me into a Serial Liar...
According to my shattered iPhone screen, I had a pretty awesome weekend.
To the woman with 4 screaming kids at Target : if you're wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart... You're welcome.
What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?
I just got my pen!s caught in my zipper..................... I knew I shouldn't have bought those zip up shoes.
According to Facebook, everyone did some really fun things with the kids this weekend and has a dog.
I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.
(づ▶__◢)づ︻┳デ═一 say YOLO one more time.
I know two wrongs don't make a right. My life has been a never ending quest to determine just how many are required.
I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve loved being the first people,, cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts
I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."
If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security. 