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I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back. 
When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad....... this may or may not be about food.
0 mutual friends, you're not even from my country, how the f*ck did you find me!?
Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendys back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.
Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent's last sentence in a whiny voice.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I'm driving.
GOSH! You try to relax naked in the hot tub with a liquor drink and a cigar and the whole staff at the YMCA goes into an uproar..... Sheesh.
I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.
I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!
I don't want to be mean and "block" you, so just close your eyes when I post, like I do, when I see YOUR pic. Thanks :)
Your duty as a best friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck
Every girl has 3 personalities: 1) When she's with her family. 2) When she's with her friends. 3) When she's with HIM.
You don't need a $500 camera to take a photo of the bathroom mirror.
I gave our new female employee an instant promotion in exchange for sex. You should've seen her face when she found out I wasn't the boss.m
Some of my "friends" on Facebook need to be reminded that high school is over.
If putting a cup holder, car stereo, car horn, and a patio umbrella on my riding mower is weird, I dont wanna know what normal is.......
Dear Facebook friend that posts inspirational quotes, your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you!
I'll believe almost anything someone tells me in a British accent because they sound really smart when they talk.......
Irony: People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business. 