doc noland Funny Status Messages

   BREAKING: Florida Highway Patrol is reporting a mass exodus of toddlers hitchhiking to get the hell out of Florida.

   Whenever you feel powerless, remind yourself that a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water-park.

   I am starving, but not "get up out of the floor of the shower and make some food" starving.

   Woke up today singing, "It's the 4th of July," to the tune of "It's the First of the Month," by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep

   I wish someone would cast Mel Gibson and Tracy Morgan in a buddy action flick about a crime fighting rabbi and a drag queen.

   My hangover feels like someone is screaming at me in German.

   What I love best about sex with a married woman is wiping myself off with her husband's clean underwear!

   The best thing about using exclamation marks is that no one knows how sad you are!!!

   it just me or did anyone else notice that Bob Marley never looked like a "Bob."

   thankful that Anthony Weiner's last name wasnt 'Butthole'.

   I got a new phone Friday, it has Texas Hold 'em installed and OH MY FREAKING GOSH IS IT SUNDAY ALREADY?????

   Kim Kardashian wants her bachelorette party to be low key, just an E! camera crew and 100 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   I'm bad with stains. Does anyone know how to get fat out from under a t-shirt?

   Did you fall from heaven? Because your face is kinda messed up.

   Wearing your Oakleys backwards is a stylish way to let people know you're amped about giving them HPV.

   You haven't lived until you've passed through a birth canal.

   Drunk sex is ok, but drunk hugs are frantastic

   likes calling Ketchup, "meatloaf hot fudge".

   could go to prison for the things he has typed into his notes app on his Droid