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You'll have to speak up, I can't hear you in the dark. 
Mark Zukerberg should have changed his status instead of Married..to "Its Complicated" - looking at his failing IPO
MY Grocery Store is so environmetally conscience it doesnt give paperbags anymore- jsut plastic...OH but they still havent figured out howNOT to give a 3 ft receiept for buying jsut a loaf of bread!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All the Auto-Tune in the world will never ever sound as cool as talking into a desk fan.
You never realize what you have till it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
Doctors handwriting: ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏. What I see: ∮₪₮￦￡. What the nurse sees: Aspirin.
“Leftover Bacon” – a phrase you've never heard before.
The middle class does not exist. If you believe you are part of the middle class, it just means you're rich and insecure or poor and misinformed.
I am struck by the ill. Bring me the Quils, both Day and Ny.
Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.
He's been marinating in honey for years. Don't tell me a rack of Winnie the Pooh ribs wouldn't be tasty.
Lead me not into temptation... I can find my own damn way
I flirted with disaster last night. Now disaster won't stop texting me.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, “Sorry, what was your name again?”
Dinner guests coming over later and I forgot to take something out. Does anyone know how to turn beef jerky back into steaks?
If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me.
There's a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that.” ツ
*wake up from a horrible dream* (⊙﹏⊙)… *realize it was only a dream* (~￣▽￣)~ 