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I'm not saying she's a slut... but she's been licked more times than Wonka's Everlasting Gobstopper. 
LIFE TIP: Next time you do something illegal, look serious and carry a clipboard.
Jail, I mean school. Sorry, I can't tell the difference
Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.
So Siri is basically a chick that has no personality and claims to know everything? ...Sounds like my ex!
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
While on Facebook, I realized that I don't hate Facebook...I hate people.
Mirror mirror on the wall, I dont give a shit about seeing snow white and the huntsmen at all.
Just got "The Look" from my dog. You know, the "What the hell you doing??? I drink out of there" look...
DC Comics announces Batman will be coming out of the closet to reveal himself as a homosexual. I'm not surprised, with as much time the boy wonder spent in his cave.
Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status - after three times it should default to unstable
If you have little kids and often hire a babysitter, don't plan on doing anything before you check the Justin Bieber concert schedule for your town.
Are airline stewards forbidden from saying "Hi Jack," even if the pilot's name is "Jack?"
Never has there been so many energy drinks yet we've never been more tired.
I don't know why cops bother asking me questions I've never had one believe me.
I bought a teethbrush.... It's actually has saved me a lot of time.
Say what you will about him,,, but I think it's pretty cool that Jesus spoke in red letters.
Dear MacGuyver,,,I've enclosed a yoyo, three pennies, and mentos... Please save the rainforest.....Love, Snotty
Just tied a vegan to the train tracks with rope made of Slim Jims. Now we wait.
No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare. 