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I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster. 
If I started my own Chip Company, I'd fill the bags to the top!
We live in a culture where we are surrounded by smart phones and stupid people.
Thanks to push-up bras and low cut shorts, I can now get to 2nd base w/ your girlfriend just by looking at her FB profile pic.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me a damn secrets???
S.I.N.G.L.E. = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one (L)ife's (E)asier
Strange how I'm only on Facebook when I'm on the toilet... I'm literally giving a s$it while reading stuff I don't give a s$it about.
It's only a matter of time until "Security Cameras of Wal-Mart" is a reality TV show.
Time is like a stretched elastic band. You can't let it go or it'll come back and take your balls out.
Doctors handwriting: ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏. What I see: ǽ₮∂￦￡. What the pharmacist sees: Aspirin you dumb ass.
a tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
doctors finally figured out whats wrong with peoples brains; on the left side, there's nothing right; and on the right side, there's nothing left…
always learn from mistakes of others who took your advice
If you didn't want me to do you then why were you saggin your pants?-Inmate 2541
I have come to the conclusion that I have a mammographic memory...
Mark Zuckerburg is worth billions. Yet, he marries Priscilla Chan. He would have been better off with a mail order bride.
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
I never understood why women always have their hands in their bras. Then last night I found myself watching TV with my hand in my pants. It finally occurred to me...when you've got something great, you want to hold onto it. :)
Mark Zukerberg getting married already cost him a fortune......
Wanna feel old? This years high school graduating class was born in 1995. 