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Grocery store flowers; show someone you care slightly more than not at all. 
If I got a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be asking people why they're giving me dimes.
Executioners are always dressed to kill.
Yes, you are entitled to your opinion. Why you insist on being wrong is beyond me, but go nuts with it.
Why would LL Kool J's Mom want me to be knocked out? What did I do?
Just saw a homeless guy wearing a Nickelback shirt. Further proof that listening to Nickelback leads directly to homelessness.
I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Those friends of yours who only call you when they're driving? They're bored, stuck in a car and totally using you
If you take the number of minutes it took someone to text you back, multiply it by five & subtract your age, you've got WAY too much free time.
Saw a lady walking her son through my neighborhood on a leash, so naturally I asked if I could pet him.
Note to self: Don't taunt the neighbor's bull dog while wearing flip flops.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it!! .......You know the same could be said for condoms!!!
S.K.O.O.P.= Something Kooky Or Otherwise Pathetic
Sorry son, we can't go get ice cream because mommy went to Kohl's 20 times last month.
Since it's Hump Day Wednesday, rather than have my usual can of Redbull, I'll try Redbone, "She'll give me brain"
It's a shame that most things aren't pies... More things should be pies.
I tried grilling a chicken at lunch time. "Ok, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"
well, I was going to Google something.. but ended up playing the electric piano instead. Thanks Google."
My ex girlfriend looks like she hit a wall... And kept running into it over and over.
I let my girlfriend wear the pants in our relationship, but it's me that decides when they come off! 