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Dear People, Please stop all the period jokes. Sincerely, Everyone's Ovary Acting 
My GF told me she was seeing a psychiatrist. That's ok, I said; I'm seeing a nurse, a fitness instructor and a college student…
You know you had a good night when you wake up with one less friend and one new useless Ebay purchase.
Carry yourself like a queen and you will attract a king! Carry yourself like a hoe, and see how far you will go.
Seeing a loser from your high school w/ a good job is like graffiti on a highway bridge... how the Hell did that get there?
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Growing up I always dreamed of being slimed on Nickelodeon.
Spent 45 mins having a stare off with this arrogant prick two tables down at Lunch. Then he got up and grabbed his blind person cane. S$it.
During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles. Who the f$ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?
whats the deal with that Papa Johns dude and his long pauses???
Thanks to Jersey Shore, Crayola has a new color....Whorange.
If your lawyer has a ponytail .....your going to lose.$$$
Just spilled a drop of my 5 Hour Energy Shot...I'm thinking 4 hours and 4 minutes now.
Before you judge me, know that I don't give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
I'm "single and ready to mingle" because it sounds less desperate than "alone and ready to bone"
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.
"Half a dozen" -Because "six" is way too long.
How the hell do you look important walking around a clipboard factory?
No one's lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
Gynecologists looking for a cool nickname, please remember Rug Doctor is a registered trademark. 