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My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I'm actually a bass player. 
Just got my hearing test results back. Turns out I am deaf to a range in which women complain.
Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.
Have you ever wanted to tell some one "Maybe you should eat some make-up so you can be pretty on the inside?"
Whenever I hear about bad things happeneing to Clairvoyants and Psychic`s I just think why did`nt you see that coming ?
Shouldn't we really wait to hear from Adele's ex boyfriend before we take sides?..
Do not READ this status. Thanks
Finally There is a solution to get rod off Timeline. Go to youtube search on How to remove timeline and click on the second link.
If god didn't want us smoking weed, then why the f*%k did he put THC in it?
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot.
I like being in a long term relationship, because she knows what I like and I know what she……..won't do.
Technologically, I'm at that dangerous age. I'm old enough to mess everything up, and not young enough to fix it.
Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it's already embarrassed you.
Why, when our heart is stolen, do we insist on returning to the scene of the crime?
I can't think of one nice thing to say about you....a million maybe, but not just one.
(Person:) Do you know how many calories are in that?! (Me:) Do you know how many f**ks I don't give?
I may be getting older but that's no reason to grow up.
S.I.N.G.L.E = Sometimes It's Not Good to Love Everybody
When I see a bruised apple at the market, I give it a soft hug and whisper, "Who did this to you?"
Gay Drive by: They pull up in a pink ford focus, Throw skittles and shout "TASTE THE RAINBOW BIT$H!" 