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At some point you just stop wiping your kid's ass for him and hope for the best. 
Before sliced bread, the best invention was food that didn't run away when you tried to eat it.
Arguing with a woman is like bringing a knife to a gun fight, then repeatedly stabbing yourself with it.
My blonde GF kept yelling out 43 days! 43 days! I finally asked her why she kept saying that. She said she finished a puzzle that said 4-5 Years on the box.
I've never met a person that liked me I didn't like.
Hey old guys wearing your hats backwards, you're making it worse.
I wonder if kids in China ever look at their happy meal toys and think, "Hey, I made this."
You're telling me things I want to hear, but you're not showing me the things I want to see. - said the golddigger
Oral sex is a beautiful way to say good night.
Most of my longest relationships have been with deep dish pizzas.
"Mirror, mirror on the the wall, who's the most expressionless one of them all?" --how I imagine this Kristen Stewart Snow White movie going
Binoculars have to be the worst gift you can buy for a cyclops.
I was chatting up a chick online earlier. She said, "I'm curvy, voluptuous and cuddly". I said, "and I'm not that stupid, fatty".
I got off with this Thai lady last night........ She had an 8 inch clit0ris...
Things a pedophiles might say: On a scale of 1-10.... how old are you?
Be careful who you decide to take for granted, because once they find better, they are NOT coming back to your regretful ass.
Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, hundreds of farmville farms are going into foreclosure.
HEADLINE: Justin Bieber wanted for questioning after he allegedly assaulted a paparrazi. Maybe they just want to talk to Beiber as a witness. It was probably Selena Gomez that hit the guy!
Would any respectable man tell ANYONE that he was roughed up by Justin Bieber?
Mike Tyson trained Justin Bieber.......No Punchline needed there 