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The major cause of auto wrecks is a screw loose in the nut behind the wheel. 
Baracknophobia: A fear of four more years.
The days when men knew how to treat women were the days when women knew their place.
If we learn by our mistakes then I am getting a fantastic education.
I could really use one of those Chris Farley,, 'down by the river',, speeches right about now...
Hey, dude who's still lighting fireworks at midnight, nobody would notice a couple of gunshots right now.
"May your beer always be dry and your women always moist."
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far away,,, And everything else just in a big pile
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
The definition of attention seeking.. Updating your Facebook status in capital letters!
If infants can enjoy their infancy why can't adults enjoy adultery?
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
Those rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don't they?
I got charged with indecent exposure for telling jokes naked at Home Depot. In my defense, “stand up shower” is very misleading.
Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head. You look like a Pez dispenser.
Sigh...It's that time of the year to breakout the razor and stop looking like sasquatch! Ladies, you know what I mean!
I'm in a Long Distance Relationship....My Girlfriend Lives in the Future!
There's no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
I was raised by two really amazing parents, so you can only imagine how much work I had to do to turn out to be this $@^#&! of a person. 