lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I was thinking about becoming an atheist, but I thought screw it, you don't get any holidays.

   Santa must be a man. No woman would be caught dead wearing the same clothes every Christmas!

   I should have guessed that huge red toy on the wall at the sex shop was too good to be true! Oh well. I might be $50 shorter but I now have a fire extinguisher for the home!

   Tiger Woods: never satisfied with a hole in one.

   chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head

   heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

   My mother wants me to get up and go to work. But the voices in my head want me to stay home and clean the guns.

   heavily medicated for your protection.

   90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

   Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

   Women don't hit harder. We hit lower.

   Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

   Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

   I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

   I saw an unemployed,homeless dwarf. He had a sign that said "No job. Too small."

   Chocolate is the answer to EVERYTHING!

   An Indian man dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates,he meets an angel. Angel asks "Who are you here to see?". "Jesus!" the man replies. The angel then shouts "Jesus! Your taxi's here!".