Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I've been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"

   Husband: Let's try a different position tonight. Wife: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

   Trying to figure out why Japan seems to be doing so well at the swimming in the Olympics... and then like a giant wave crashing down it hit me.

   Whenever someone says to me "You look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I say, "Do you watch porn?"

   When I was little, I remember falling asleep on the sofa and waking up in bed. Now that I'm older, I find myself passing out on the sofa and waking up on the floor.

   Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. It's just a picture book with women b!tching.

   If I'm ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Kool Aid guy.

   I wrote a status about unemployment earlier, but didn't post it. It needs some work.

   Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.

   My girlfriend spends every night in town, going into bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.

   I never knew that Abraham Lincoln was such a badass, killing vampires and freeing slaves, I think he is my new favorite president, step aside Grover Cleveland.

   Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don't get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night. -_-

   My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them.

   Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Being alive is the special occasion.

   Flirting is dangerous business. One wrong move and you're committed.

   A few years ago while I was on vacation, on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses."

   If I haven't insulted you, pissed you off, or raised feelings of irritation yet... just give me a bit more time.

   My blonde girlfriend has such a useless sense of direction, I'm amazed she made it out of the birth canal.

   If you don't have a job you can be homeless but if you do have a job you will be home less. Society, you just can't win.

   I hate how my child always moan about how much I drink. I'm tired of having to remind him that if it weren't for the alcohol, he wouldn't even exist.