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At A yardsale today I bought a Large Minnie Mouse,is that Oxymoronic ? or just gay? 
Choosing a beer from my fridge makes me feel like I'm choosing the right weapon for an epic duel.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window “Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don't know window”.
"Business in the front, party in the back" would be a terrible slogan for a medical clinic.
"You gotta have Faith!" -enthusiastic review of a brothel on Yelp.
I need some coffee just to get the energy to make coffee...
When people ask me "How's life?", I sing them the chorus of Akon's Lonely while crying and slowly walk away.
The first thing I do before a fight is put my invisible armor on then crawl into a ball and beg for them not to beat m
Love is when you wake up with your boxers around your ankles and your hands full of peanut butter, right?.
A dog will never borrow money from you, and that's why he's man's best friend.
As I've gotten older, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I guess its time to move out, its starting to get weird.
Police officer: "license and registration" Me: "DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS!?" Police officer: No Me: "me neither".
Having trouble sleeping? How about I tuck you in with this left hook.
You know what makes me mad? The fact that I know who Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are.
Poke Hot biatches on Facebook ...cause my gf is cool with that
If you have a craving for Pringles & Sardines at 3am in the morning..... you just smoked some bad weed, thats all!
Congress has an approval rating of 13% you should know Naked cannibals on Bath Salts are at 18%.
Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head or you end up looking like a damn lollipop.
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a Wedding Cake!!
Lazy Fact #12983789127489: You were too lazy to read that number . 