Funny Status Messages

   It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

   STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

   Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

   If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

   Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

   anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

   Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

   A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

   Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

   I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

   What happened to all the people who were gonna die in Florida because fans celebrated after the Super Bowl a month ago? Libs know the jig is up on the panicdemic.

   Vegas taking bets on Texas and Mississippi having an even worse 3rd wave? I'm itching to put money down on that.

   I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...

   You know you are getting old when you can remember Tom Sellick’s first rodeo

   I may be ugly but I'm vaccinated!

   Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

   I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

   I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

   Accidentally parked in a ‘reserved for witches’ spot. When I got back there was a note on my windshield that said “you will be toad.”

   Today is the one-year anniversary of our two-week lockdown.