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Hey God, Would you please test me to see if I could handle being rich? 
"Oh my gosh! A giant face just destroyed my house! Now he seems to be doing some weird dance?" - spiders
I'm on that “Starts tomorrow” diet...... Everyday!!
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said.
I'm not sure I understand What The Hell you're talking about....But.....you're showing cleavage, so I will listen.
Sometimes I ask her a question when I already have the info just to see if she lies. Then she shows why I can't trust her.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I'm not even married.
I don't think I'm better than you. I never think about you.
Never grossly overestimate my need for your approval.
I think I'm going to procrastinate tomorrow......but I haven't decided.
I want a woman that makes my d*ck hard. Not my life.
She could have a Grammy, and I would still treat her like a Nominee.
When I get old, I want to be sent off on an iceberg to die. Mostly because good luck finding an iceberg in 50 years.
My Facebook persona did not sleep well last night.
Why do men act so surprised when they see a stripper jump out of a cake? Do they think someone got them a 4 feet cake to eat? Idiots.
Hey, guess what! No one cares. Stew in your own sh*tty mess that you made for yourself. And also have a nice day.
s/o to the pig that died to make this bacon I'm eating. You, sir, are delicious. Enjoy the afterlife, you've earned it.
When is a man the smartest? When he's having sex; Why? Because he's plugged into the know it all machine.
Hey, just came over to extend a big warm welcome to nobody caresville...population: me 