SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Yesterday was the birthday of both Elvis Presley & David Bowie, neither of whom have gained any weight since 1977.

   The music business is always chasing trends. Adele sells millions, so RCA makes Kelly Clarkson gain 80 pounds.

   One time on Long Island I saw an all-Guido adaptation of 'Life is Beautiful' called 'Life is Freakin' Mint, Yo.'

   Quick- does anyone know where I can get one of those undercover cop cars? This is important.

   I don't understand why there's still murder now that you can watch naked chubby women tickle each other whenever you want on your computer.

   Prediction: in 40 years medicare will cover tattoo removal.

   My hotel shower gel includes the translation 'Gel De Douche' which totally brings me back to men's hairstyles of the 80s.

   What happens to the show 'Finding Bigfoot' once they do?

   Just took some vitamins *while* drinking Vitamin Water then ripped the roof off a Buick and ate a building.

   A slew of people aren't using the word "slew" enough.

   Ryan Seacrest owns a $6000 toilet & Van Gogh sold 3 paintings in his entire lifetime. Any questions?

   it necessary for there to be a guy that looks like Stephen King at every highway rest stop?

   Now it's pot in the lead! Now it's alcohol! Pills make a late charge! And it's pot! Now alcohol! But here comes sleep!!

   Guys, ever have a dream where Angelina Jolie goes down on you and her lips explode all over your crotch? No? Well, you will now...

   Driving through rural Oklahoma in the AM trying to make it home quick to the kids. I'm a country song right now.

   I just killed someone with kindness but they were miraculously resurrected as a demi-douche and expunged me with brazen disregard.

   Just smoked some dried cat poop that I thought was weed, and now I think I'm turning Siamese!

   Ok, let's stop saying “Happy New Year” to everyone. It's January 7th and it's just awkward.

   Ah, Portland. The Land of Port. I'm originally from the Isle of Long.

   I truly believe that every one of you have that one tweet in you that could change the world or remind me to change the bong water.