Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My doctor prescribed marijuana for my constipation but said if it didn't work after a week to discontinue using it. Basically he told me to poop or get off the pot.

   I'm sorry but after the 4th sneeze you are more likely to get a throat punch than a "bless you" from me... control that will ya

   Considering my balance, my credit card has the best theft detection ever. It just says declined no matter what you try to buy.

   Was thinking about giving a f*ck today but... f*cks just don't grow on trees, you know!

   "The glass is half full" ~ optimist "The glass is half empty" ~ pessimist "That looks delicious" ~ alcoholic

   I am tired of all the jokes making fun of the women gymnast because they have no boobs! They can bend over backwards and do splits, So........... CHECK MATE!

   When I came home today I brought in a box of tampons and a package of Tylenol... She told me she's not on her period and she doesn't have a headache. Yup, she was tricked into sex again.

   Whenever I ask my wife if she has a minute, she thinks it's because I'm horny.

   Full-Moon out tonight which means all the crazy folks are coming out of the woodwork... and for some reason they've chosen me as their leader...

   I met a girl at the bar and she said she wanted to suck on my foot. Had to tell her its not quite that big.

   If you didn't hump Christina Ricci... then you're doing Wednesday wrong.

   Women are always saying how men judge a girl based on looks. That's actually true. Since all women are crazy, you might as well go for the fit ones.

   I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in. I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?" "Yes honey." "What is it?" "It's the date of our anniversary." Bltch.

   My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it. As he got out. I said, "Nice Car." "Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

   The Care Bears taught me so much growing up... no not the emotional crap. They taught me it was OK to stare.

   I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!

   You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you're laying in the hospital dying of nothing.

   My girlfriend was looking through my DVD collection. "What's 'Fight Club'? I've never heard of it," she said. It's good to see the system's working.

   If the Olympics has taught me anything it's that China may have a population of over 1 billion... but they only have two hair styles.

   A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: "All we did was correct his eyesight."