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Wives want a video record of the birth of their child. Husbands want a record of the conception. 
when I have a headache , I take 2 asprins and keep away from children . jus like it says on the bottle.
I just don't get you people who prefer the cold over the heat. The best times of my life are spent being hot, sweaty, and naked. Not cold, shivering, and bundled up.
Then God said, “Let there be Internet drama”; and there was Internet drama. And God saw that it was good.
The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she cant afford batteries
Hit "Like" if you're tired of everyone on Facebook telling you to hit "Like."
Money cant buy you happiness but its better to cry in a mercedes than on a bicycle.
So that's why I work so many hours, so you can collect Welfare, wear pajamas in public and have an iPhone.
Bacon Scented Douche, For that Just Porked feeling!
I read your timeline only to realize how normal I am
Monday is like a kid having sex for the first time...it came too soon!
What would happen if you were scared half to death twice?
I'm an expert in smartassology.
A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.
Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check.
Just stubbed my toe on life
Never lasts longer than forever.
Intelligence always beats good looks. But just to be safe I've got both covered.
I haven't yet met someone who shares my idea of what love really is.
I age my single malt scotch 15 years in just a few months by subjecting it to a series of harrowing emotional experiences. 