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It`s going to be sad when the wife finishes the 50 shades trilogy ...Not cause of all the sex and stuff , but because then I won`t be able to watch sport in peace ....... 
I've been waiting for this moment ever since I got up... goodnight!
Thanks FB, for reminding people I haven't seen in 15 years that it's my birthday. Now my day is complete!!
I can't wait for the MLB all star game!! Said, no one ever...
Lock a vegetarian in a room full of Jack-O-Lanterns and then give them some bath salts.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies in a freezer.
I'm probably not the first person to notice, but the plots of "Finding Nemo" and "Taken" are virtually identical.
If laughter is the best medicine, I'm practicing without a license...
If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.
Your Ex ALWAYS seems to pop back up as soon as you forget about them.
I hate it when my boss calls my name and I automatically think "What the hell did I do now?"
Send message without subject? Yes, Gmail. f$ck off.
Everybody secretly hates that couple who plans their wedding on holiday weekends.
Longest minute of life: waiting for food to come out of the microwave...
Just saw a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.
do movie stars get depressed if they see their movies in the $5.00 dvd bin?
Every time I post,, I get a rush like I'm releasing a little animal into the wild... A hideous, deformed animal that no one will ever love...
7/9 = No bra day! Who is responsible for failing to send me the memo? My day could've been a whole lot brighter
You're definitely doing something wrong if you have had more eX's than you have had O's in your life.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I've ever been asked. 