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My ex texted me: I Miss You... So I replied: We're sorry, the subscriber you are trying to reach doesn't give a f*ck 
Sometimes being friend-zoned is just like dodging a bullet. Its for your own good.
In a perfect relationship, the only fight you have is about who gets to sleep on the wet spot.
WELCOME TO FACEBOOK - The place where people add you as a friend and walk past you in the street.....
I just met you and this is crazy but I wanna see your titts show me maybe?
Those picky people on house hunters..should be shot at the end of the show..!
ladies stop complaining about not being able to find a nice guy who's not a player or cheats open your eyes i'm right here
I'll bet the best part of being a cat is not knowing what the internet is.
My nose hair and mustache have apparently completed their long-planned merger.
If there's one thing I really can't stand when I'm drunk, it's up.
A fartnership is that stage in a relationship where farting no longer draws a reaction.
I need a job! I can't eat Healthcare!!!
I have slowly gotten every single person that I went to highschool w to unfollow me. Kinda reminds me of my actual highschool experience...
I always leave an empty roll of toilet paper on the wall so it feels neglected.
Hamburger Helper is powerless if the hamburger doesn't WANT to be helped.
I'm going to walmart in a few minutes....does this belt look OK with these sweat pants?
I used to wonder what it'd be like to read other people's minds, but then I got a Facebook Account and now I'm over it.
I don't know what all this fuss is about Same Sex Marriage! Me and my wife have been having the same sex for 21yrs! It's boring but it isn't worth getting all upset over!!!
If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men?
Got kicked out of a Gatorade convention. I guess standin behind the women and whispering "is it in you?" was the wrong thing to do. 