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I forgot to buckle my 5 year old up in the car today, and while leaving the parking lot, this guy yells, "You're an irresponsible father!". I was like, "What the hell is that guy's problem? Stop the car son!" 
will never be an Olympic athlete...but I did participate in a Toyotathon once!
dear gays. It's not you, it's me. I hate most straight people too…
Never met a teenager driving a luxury car that I didn't hate.
Somewhere out there, a man named Private Number is sobbing uncontrollably because no one ever takes his phone calls.
I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Why are those who profess tolerance intolerant of different viewpoints????
@nal is completely unnatural...unless I'm doing it to a girl.
It is true there is no "I' in team, but there is a lot of "I's" on the USA Olympic Men's Basketball Team
Getting a guy to walk me home and then stabbing him will never get old.
I hate when I think I've found a parking space, only for it to turn out to be a cart corral.
Mr Bean should win the Nobel Peace Prize for recycling...the same lame act for the past 25 years.
I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors
Good news guys! Only 17 more days until we can stop hearing about the Olympics!
I would motorboat you, but the water looks a little shallow.
I don't drink water, unless it's been through a brewery first.
I hate it when I remove myself from around people to fart in peace and they follow me right after I have release a big one.
When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.
Those opening ceremonies were so lame that...no to call it lame would be a compliment.
Why are you playing video games when I have all this pu$$y? 