lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

   Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a weak man all day. Wearing a backpack & a turtleneck is lke being strangled by a weak man as a dwarf tries to pull you down.

   I woke up this morning and my friend said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No. I made a few mistakes."

   I remember when the candleshop caught on fire. Everyone just stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

   Bills travel at twice the speed through the post than cheques.

   I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it.

   OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite

   If a mute kid swears,does his mother wash his hands out with soap?

   Whoever decided that a one inch Mars bar should be called 'fun size' needs to seriously re-examine their standards for entertainment.

   n't it annoying when you accidentally drop something like a bread crumb into your keyboard and you have to get ighhghghghghhghghbhbhghgbhbhbggggggggggggh

   Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

   Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against tables,chairs,etc).

   Police Station toilet stolen. Cops have nothing to go on.

   Never date a tennis player; to them love means nothing.

   Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

   Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.

   Two goldfish in a bowl. One says to the other "If there is no God,who changes our water every week?"

   I was born a pessimist. My blood type is B negative.

   Did you hear about the gay dwarf? He came out of the cupboard.