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Having a hell of a time getting my leg out of this blood pressure machine at Walmart 
Why can't 2 women play monopoly at the same time? Because There's only one iron
I really wish "Mayhem" from Allstate would eliminate "Flo" from Progressive!
Phrases i'll never understand... #71 - "You better hunker down if you want to finish on time." Seriously? Hunker Down???
Phrases i'll never understand... #72 - "Those two are in cahoots." WTH is cahoots and why does it take two???
As if my self esteem couldn't get any lower, when I got in the shower this morning, it laughed at me.
Wednesday... As most of you call it Hump day, I like to call it the 3rd Monday of the week.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I sh!t you knot.
My wife got naked and asked me to "show her a good time" so I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married.
If I was a woman with a perfectly good v@gina and my man wanted @nal, I'd probably question his sexuality.
I would kill to see Rihanna go against Tyra Banks on a head butting contest
How many Feminists does it take to finish this joke without offending anyone?
You think Zelda would be a lot more "appreciative" of Link for saving her. The boy went through like 7 dungeons & caves, at least give him the sex he deserves.
there proper etiquette on how long you have to wait for your wife outside of a store before declaring her dead?
I'm one restraining order away from a free restraining order.
Never noticed this, but, if you rearrange the letters in 'marriage' it spells 'hahahahahahahahahahahahaha'.
I have a nagging feeling that I have a girlfriend.
“You'd know what chocolate you get if you read the map on the inside of the box lid you Friggin Idiot!”...-My Dad watching Forrest Gump
Trying to understand some people,,, Is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end...
I love when you go to get a massage and they ask you where it hurts and you start crying cause it's your entire existence. 