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Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome?" she got all angry like I'd ruined the surprise. 
Lost a couple FB friends overnight. Hopefully they just died and it wasn't something I said...
They should make a show like cash cab called Cats Cab where people get into a taxi and a cat is driving and all these flashing lights go off, but instead of answering questions everyone dies because cats can't drive.
It is said that the first step to solving the problem of an addict!on is the verbal admission of the issue itself. Okay then: I love n@ked women.
Wow. The Republican Party can't even attract a female hurricane.
Ready for Hurricane Isaac!! All the tape and plywood making driving tricky tho'!!
Somebody needs to invent an alarm clock that releases the smell of bacon.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can't conjugate verbs.
My Vertigo meds warn that they "may cause dizziness"...WTF! That's like the blue pill warning that it "may cause chemical castration"!
I can not stand the new style with hip hop music, they say one word then repeat it a dozen times. It is so freakin annoying and lame lame lame lame lame.
so at a grocery store restroom I walked in on an old man shaking water from his hands. he looks up and says to me "nuthin has come out in a week". I stood there hoping to God he was refering to the paper towel dispenser
Fight poverty, smack a hobo!
"The Hangover Part 3" starring Prince Harry is now playing out in real life. Also you can now say every Ruler ISN'T 12 Inches LONG.
Why the hell has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
This status is a lot like my pen!s... It's not very long and it probably will make you laugh...
Why is it that girls in tampon commercials laugh and dance ? shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burning shit down
Hey Vegas, your slogan is bullsh!t" – Prince Harry
Hurricane Issac heading for GOP Convention maybe they "has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."
Apparently, Emma Watson is to star in the movie adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey. If this turns out to be true, by the end of that movie my peni$ will be fifty shades of purple.
You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 