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One nation...over weight...with high fructose corn syrup for all! 
If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me dancing & singing to 90's songs in my car I could afford to tint these windows.
Dear automatic toilet,,,, I appeciate your enthusiasm,, but I wasn't done yet...
France FINALLY won a war! Too bad it was against Lance Armstrong.
Who the hell is this "moderation" everyone keeps telling me to drink with?
Every time I get dressed I make sure I take a second to ask myself, "How will this look stepping out of a time machine?"
Probably the lowest point in my life was when I fucked a guy who liked Nickelback. I'll never forgive myself.
Open Mic Night: When You Can't Quite Land A Gig
I realized today after seeing gray hair in the mirror that my dream of being a child star will never happen.
if 666 is considered evil, then is 25.8069 the root of all evil?
It seems Prince Harry exposed the Crown Jewels while playing "Strip Pool" in Las Vegas. This begs the questions as to whether or not he followed up with a rousing game of "Hide the Scepter" ...
My female friend told me she was concerned because her new friend was a Lesbian and she isn't ! I told her don't worry, just be straight with her ! :0)
I don't care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I'll give it back for Christmas.
Someday, I'll get out of this sh!tty relationship I'm in and meet a woman who loves me for who I am and start a sh!tty relationship with her instead.
After all these years of jacking off a hand job from a girl just doesn't cut it. I need a dry rough man hand to get the job done.
Hey like if you remember pressing the power button turning the tv off and playing outside having a awesome childhood.
Dear lady who says she will only date guys who drive Mercedes or BMW cars, yet your father drives a Hyundai; Why can't you be humble like your mother?
Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: "Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories."
Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but I think being the first man to walk on the Moon is an amazing achievement. They can never take that away from him...
After relationships with Russell Brand and John Mayer, Katy Perry should just ask Magic Johnson to spit in her mouth. 