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If someone throws a stone at you, be nice and throw a flower at them........ but remember to throw the flower pot with it!!!!!!! 
If your significant other doesn't know every last bit disgusting detail about what a gross human being you are then they don't know you that well.
I understand if you aren't religious, I respect that. But you don't have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Anger occasionally makes me have a sh!tty day. Love occasionally makes me have a sh!tty 3 years.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm going to blast Michael Jackson's "Thriller", while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
Think a female friend has downgraded me from the 'Friend Zone' to the 'That-Guy-I-Used-to-Tell-My-Problems-to-When-I-Needed-Attention Area'
I found a few ways to use feminism to my own benefit -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.
A mosh pit at a Star Wars concert is basically just nerds bumping into each other and apologizing.
All I'm saying is: If you're already gonna be late for work you might as well walk into the office tangled up in a hammock.
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
If more people knew what guys did with socks they'd stop giving them to their dad as gifts.
You never really forgive the friend who tricked you into watching "2 Girls 1 Cup".
I like my steak like I like my p*s$y, juicy with a warm pink center
Taco Bell at 3 in the morning = runny doo doo at 9 in the morning
Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? "It's open."
great day!!! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!!!
What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?
I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
Mexican word of the day "wheelchair": Juan and I only have one taco, but is ok, wheelchair.
My wife must like it doggie style. Every time I mention sex she hides under the bed… 