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There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up, it's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap. 
Can Travelocity help me find a vacant womb for the weekend?
Politicans should stop acting like high school girls. The first one who doesn't talk bad about the other one and just states what he will do to fix the country is the first one I would be happy to vote for
When I'm having a crappy day, sometimes I'll yell out "Computer, Arch!" hoping it has all been a Star Trek Holodeck simulation.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Apparently asking if there's a fitting room at Condom Sense is frowned upon.
Pretty soon, evolution will kick in and women will be born without a gag reflex.
'Jesus loves you.' Comforting to hear in church; terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison
Silence is golden… unless you have a toddler. Then in that case silence is very very suspiscious.
I sometimes feel kinda brave until I see a slightly above average size moth.
Now is the later I avoided earlier.
I hate it when I get into argument with another person and that other person is me.
My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I'm clearing out my desk
Call me insensitive but I'm going ahead and declaring Art Modell's passing as the Browns first win this season. 1-0 baby!
....and THAT is how I won the staring contest against Mt Rushmore.
Some call it "being naive", I call it "just not caring enough to look into it any further" ...
"Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.
Nicolas Cage stars in the movie 'Stolen', in which he frantically searches for his missing daughter, who has been kidnapped. The producers originally had a different name for the film, but it was already Taken.
"What are you in for?" "Ran a red light." "They sent you to prison for that?" "Well, I also ran the brothel behind it."
My Dad should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records. I'm pretty sure no one has ever taken twenty seven years to go and get a pint of milk. 