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Just saw Styx at the County Fair....Wow, if you gave them machine guns they could double as the Euro-Villans from Die hard.... 
So she told me "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know the cashier meant my credit card?
Sometimes I don't understand women, they can walk around all day in public wearing a bikini but when they catch me looking at them in their bra and underwear, they scream the place down!
Football officially starts its regular Sunday rotation tomorrow. So ladies, if there's anything that you wanna say to your husband, today's the day!
AXE Bodyspray for Women: Now women can become IRRESISTIBLE to men by wearing fragrances like "Breathing", or "Just Being Alive in General".
As a kid, I thought convention delegates were just sign-waving idiots in silly hats & pins, but as an adult, I see I was a perceptive kid.
Hope I'm never call-into-a-morning-radio-show-for-advice depressed.
My kindle fire reads "50 shades of grey" to me. Its like having an obscene phonecall from Steven Hawking.
If I hadn't already faked 13 illnesses this month to get out of work, I'd totally do it again today.
Pretty sure the pope secretly has Marge Simpson hair
May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends
If you're at a party and people start chanting your name, you're obligated to do anything they want you to do
Today is the kind of day where I shouldn't leave the house unless I have Yoshi and like three extra lives.
Plenty of Fish "Hey, here are 3 pictures of my cleavage and I, but don't message me for sex"
Sometimes my farts even takes me by surprise *cough*cough*
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Democracy comes from the word demos, meaning mob a mob in the street is a demos. Ocracy means rule,ur welcome
It's been over 30 years but I still have a bone to pick with my guidance counselor. Becoming a computer programmer did NOT make me a chick magnet. That's the last time I ever take advice from someone wearing Vulcan ears.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It's been an hour,,,,
Trying to find a wacky way to kill you so that maybe the jury will laugh and let me off 