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Police have reported that Tony the Tiger and the Captain Crunch have been murdered. A police spokesman said it could be the work of a cereal killer. 
If the neighbors don't know your name, you're not f*cking your woman right...
If you've never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven... then you've never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color and we have no idea what mauve is.
If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for: 1) HOT 2) SANE 3) SINGLE ... now pick two
The only people who get offended are hypocrites. And I'm happy to make them uncomfortable...
I'm so poor this week that if someone were to try to rob me they would laugh and give me money.
Just got done putting up all the garage sale signs. Hope the neighbor appreciates how much work I put into their surprise garage sale.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?
I hate when people inbox me to tell me how funny my status es are... Motherf*cker there is a "like" button for a reason!
Scrolling through my newsfeed today has taught me 44,578 new ways to say "I don't give a f*ck."
My first crush was in kindergarten. I knew it was doomed when she colored neatly and perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile.
all these bars are offering a drink special called "hurricane sandy" don't fall for it though it's just a watered down Manhattan...
People told me I need to go out more often!But the true is I need to shut up more often !
Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(
It's going to hard to get out and vote if I have to keep answering phone calls from people urging me to get out and vote.
I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.
Why can't I get mobile reception in my house, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?
If you think you aren't creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
They say that fat girls try harder. Not in the gym they don't. 