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What is it about Walmart that attracts so many damn wierdos - oh wait i'm here too 
Nothing screams self conceited little b itch like opening a second Facebook account because you have reached maximum number of friends when you are not even a celebrity.
Hey Justin Beaver!!! Vanilla Ice called.......he wants his hair back
what does the Quran and weed have in common? ....burn either one and you'll be stoned.
Difference between jam and jelly...I cant jelly my dick in her mouth
It all makes sense now!! Gay marriage and Pot legalized on the same day... Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned." We've just been misinterpreting it all these years!!
Normal Person Flirting: "Hey babe, what's goin on?" Me Flirting: "Your face. I like that sh!t."
My phone broke. I took it back to the Sprint store and they didn't want to give me a new one. They said "Nothing works 100% of the time, except Mexicans"
When I come back in the next life, I would like to come back as a bathroom mirror in a house full of hot women.
I wish I could go back in time and meet the teenage versions of my parents.
Mary Jane is not a ho, so don't hit it and quit
Today's Joke! A Girl said …….. TRUST ME
Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Girlfriend: It's sufficient for me but how will you survive?
There are only two kinds of people in this world: Doctors and Patients
I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday
Girl: I wasn't that drunk. Guy: You put your iPhone in the blender trying to make apple juice.
Three things cannot be long hidden …… The sun, The moon and The truth.
Don't you wish some damn people could be like money, so you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and who are real.
I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
Girls dont dress for boys, they dress for themselves. If girls dressed for boys, they'd just walk around naked all the time 