lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   One day, you come home and everything has changed, like the locks.

   I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Which means I have nineteen hours to do six months of flossing.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Your eyes look red,ma'am. Have you been smoking pot?" I replied "No sir. But your eyes looked glazed. Have you been eating donuts?"

   I try to be positive. Except on medical tests.

   ..i got tired of the grass always being greener on the other side, so that's where I've been sending my dog to relieve herself.

   If 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea,does that one person enjoy it?

   Who does everyone listen to and no one believe? The weatherman.

   A Bachelor is one who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

   These days, the only way I get rolled in the hay is if I get mugged behind the barn

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is!

   I'm looking forward to seeing my life flash before my eyes when I die. If only to know what I did in the 90s.

   "you gotta laugh.. sometimes its the only weapon you got" - Roger Rabbit

   ..i bought a pair of shoes called "Dyke". It has an extra large tongue and it gets off with just one finger.

   ...wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment..

   Wrinkles are hereditary. Mothers and fathers get them from their children.

   ..doesn't go looking for trouble. She knows exactly where to find it!

   ..i had lunch with a chess player today. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   I wouldn't mind public transportation if it wasn't for the public.

   I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.

   ..is so blonde,she thought a thesaurus was a dinosaur.