zinc Funny Status Messages

   I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.

   People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone's eye they never seem to like it.

   Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

   "YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?" - guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

   I was in a gang once — we used to carry pocket knives & wear all green with blood-red bandanas around our neck. Wait, that was Boy Scouts.

   Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

   Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!

   It's so cold out I've just turned 50 Shades Of Blue!

   If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.

   What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?

   I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

   Everthing will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end

   Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do work and blame anyone but myself.

   What's the form of public transit most rife with filth and disease? Let's name our sandwich shop after it

   NASA found methane on Mars! Proving once again that no matter how ancient a civilization is, it's farts that truly endure.

   I wonder what gets changed less frequently...the diaper of a crackhead's baby or the filter cartridge in my Brita.

   My parent's kitchen was designed with 11 light switches, all of which turn on the garbage disposal if you're trying to be quiet

   What does JK Rowling text her friends to let them know that she was just kidding?

   I've survived enough awkward high-fives to know they're not worth the risk