hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   I'm just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.

   If I had a time machine, I'd just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.

   I stop at random Jehovah's Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.

   Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people's FB walls for their birthday other than "Happy Birthday!"

   The ads where Bing says they're better than Google are so cute. Like when you let a kid think hes playing Xbox but the controllers unplugged.

   "Pay attention to me when I'm ignoring you!"- women

   There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let's dance.

   I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.

   I only get religious when scratching off lottery tickets.

   Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   You can't change the past, but you can spoil the present, by worrying about the future.

   One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   On this Presidents day we celebrate our great leaders; Washington, the father of our country, Lincoln, who freed the slaves, Reagan, who tore down that wall and Kennedy, who banged Marilyn Monroe.

   Apparently this couple in the park holding hands were not trying to start a pick up game of Red Rover

   I hate making phone calls so much I'd probably skip my one and just stay in jail.

   Put your GPS on full volume for your daily commute if you want to know what marriage is like.

   Want to hate any song in less than ten seconds? Just set it as your alarm for 5:30 in the morning.

   I've never understood the big deal some people make when they clean house and say "you can eat off the floor"...on any given day, there's enough food on my floor to feed a small family...

   Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.

   Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.