SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.

   I could probably kill this woman, serve my prison sentence, come back here and buy my diet coke before she finishes writing her check.

   A polaroid is what an eskimo takes when he wants to bulk up.

   Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo sh!t shoveler.

   Kill your haters with kindness. Gift wrap explosives.

   I always thought GTFO meant Great, Terrific, Fantastic, & Outstanding... so, I guess all those people weren't paying me compliments after all!

   Huggies now offers a diaper called "Little Swimmers;" which I believe are what actually cause the babies in the 1st place.

   Filled out the "Are You Depressed?" questionnaire and it turns out I just have mild diabetes and the desire to shoot people in the face.

   Every time I see a bottle labeled "personal lubricant" I shudder to think of the public kind.

   I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid.

   I relate to your inability to relate to people. Let's talk about hanging out but never follow through.

   If I were a ghost, I would dress like a Sea Captain just to play into the stereotype.

   Suicide is only illegal because dead people can't pay taxes.

   Mike's Hard Lemonade is basically Kool-Aid with a squirt of Purell in it.

   My feelings are torn regarding the spork. On one hand, it's pretty cool. On the other...it's kind of a showoff.

   I've noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I'm getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime

   The Internet. All of the piracy, none of the scurvy.

   If I say, "yeah...totally" when you're telling a story, there's an 80% chance I stopped listening and just want it to end.

   I hope Jessica Biel names her first kid Batmo.

   POUR SOME HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP ON ME!!!!