K-Mac Funny Status Messages

   It's getting to be that time of year again where we sit around a dead tree and eat candy from old socks.

   Time to find a girlfriend.....I think my hand has been stepping out on me.

   Hugh Hefner is getting married again, to a 26 year old. If I were to marry someone that much younger than me, I'm 54, I would have to wait another six years for her to be born.

   Happy Merry ChristmaHanuKwanziDays

   I'll say it again. Nothing spooks me like when a cat walks into the room I'm in, looks at absolutely nothing, their hair stands up, they freak and take off leaving me wondering what the hell I'm in the room with that I can't see.

   My is coffee is broken. I added red bull and a five hour energy shot. I can now hear what my hair is thinking.

   I am so glad my cats don't have opposable thumbs. I can't begin to imagine what would be written on my face when I wake up in the morning.

   Seeing a spider is not a problem. It becomes a problem when you can no longer see it.

   Driving down the road and I see a sign that says "Speed Inforced By Aircraft" So I went a little faster....how cool would it be to get pulled over by a plane?

   Clint Eastwood hasn't voted yet, he's still trying get his ottoman to stop talking back to him.

   Just demolished another box of macaroni and cheese buy trying to "Push here to open".

   It's going to hard to get out and vote if I have to keep answering phone calls from people urging me to get out and vote.

   Pulled into the grocery store parking lot, went down one isle and was coming up the other when I saw an open spot one space from the end nearest the door and thought, "what a break"......God I hate Smartcars.

   After all these years, my armpits have not moved, yet I still use a mirror to put on deodorant.

   Was at the drug store and the kid in front of me was buying Magnum condoms. I gave him a thumbs up. He said "Impressed?" I said "I am impressed, that you bought those with a straight face".

   I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?

   If you're in line at the grocery store with your new iPhone5 and you pull out food stamps, don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.

   I asked some guy for directions this morning and he said, "Go to the corner and take a right. It's about six miles, depending on how fast you're going".

   Be thankful.....in dog years, you're dead.

   I was driving through a parking lot and this young guy was walking along, texting. He briefly glanced at my truck passing by and was timing his walk so he would pass by right behind my truck as I drove by....he didn't see the ladder sticking out the back.