Joseph Robert Funny Status Messages

   If anyone ever tells me I put too much parmesan cheese on my pasta, I stop talking to them, b/c I don't need that kind of negativity in my life

   This cup is so good, I now know why coffee got it's own table in the living room

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people

   Trying to fix my oven door in my apartment, but I couldn't find a screwdriver. Guess I'll just have to make one. #VodkaOrangeJuice #ProblemSolved

   Sorry Oscar, I had a date with Glenn and Rick and Daryl and Herschel

   I think it'd be more fun if cops pulled people over with red and green lights this time of year

   Every day is only a beer away from being a good one

   The real Christmas miracle is how quick I go broke

   I'm always let down when I see a fat kid on a seesaw by himself and nobody falls from the sky

   I bet socks and disposable contact lenses have abandonment issues

   I just found 20 dollars! I guess good things do happen to bad people!

   If I ever get a really exotic car I'm going to get a vanity plate that says something like "Bubble King" or "Tuna Money" so people could wonder what the hell I ever did with bubbles or tuna to finance a car like that

   The rhinoceros is just a fat, lazy unicorn

   When life gives you lemons, get some Tequila and call me

   Since this is an "S" storm, I think they should have named it Hurricane Snookie since it will be slamming and blowing the entire Jersey Shore

   Some thug kid stole my bike today but I didn't care cause I know I'll get him back when I download his music for free in ten years

   I'm always proud of myself for being able to itch my ass with my own fart

   I wish Living Social had deals on health insurance

   Picking a wedding reception venue is a lot like picking a college - I'm looking for a good place to drink, hang out with my friends and get laid

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.