Banjaxed Funny Status Messages

   Just wrote a new song "I Can't Get Over a Girl Like You So Get Up and Answer The Phone Yourself"

   What king od socks do Pirate wear?......AAAARRRGYLE

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

   It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

   Dear lady in front of me , It is a speed bump , not a freaking land mine

   Good Morning , I see the assassins have failed

   lindsay Lohan and Charle Sheen have signed for a new sit com called 2 and 1/2 grams

   Confucious say man who not married not quite ready , when he get married he finished

   My Neighbors just bough me a new Seiko , I think they misunderstood me when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanna watch

   has a hangover so bad that the only thing keeping him alive is the hope that he'll drop dead

   Every man should carry a sharp knfife , a sharp pen and a sharp tongue but only a gentlemen knows whe to use them

   once had a Hangover so bad I had to put sneakers on the cat

   Answered the door today and a giant grasshopper spit in my face and kicked me hard in the shin , I phoned my doctor and he said not to worry , there was a really nasty bug going around

   me and the wife do it doggy style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

   driving and texting on his new cell pho......sweet merciful Jesus , He's heading right toward us .....freaking maniac

   Please do not open any messages from me that are entitled "Do not open , This is a virus which will destroy your hard drive then come to your house and donkey punch you in the back of the head"

   was going to go to Walmart today but my tie dyed t-shirt and my sweatpants with whole in the arse of em were in the wash, besides , I had a haircut yesteday and it's neat and tidy , I just wouldn't have fit in

   The closest I come to cooking with gas is when I break wind while frying a steak

   wonders if the fake Irish accents on the Irish Spring commercials can sound anymore bogus , I've met a lot of people from Ireland and NONE of hem talked like that

   At a meeting last night Bill gates and Steve Jobs were both in attendance , when Gates started dozing off , Jobs replied "There's a nap for that"