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The recent break up of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez has left a void in my list of things I don't give a toot about. 
Ever notice when someone posts a pic of several women, the h0ttest ones are never t@gged?
These spaghetti-o's taste like I don't get paid until tomorrow.
Missed the winning lottery number only by 6 numbers.
If you search “idiot” in google search, the page will do nothing. (Try it anyways)
Ask Goggle to 'do a barrel roll'. Hang on to your hat!
It's a well known fact... buying cheap toilet-paper can lead to a self violation.
Happy Merry ChristmaHanuKwanziDays
If you search “askew” in google search, the page will tilt slightly clockwise. (Try it now).
My girl is burping like she doesn't think I'm still gonna try and have sex with her tonight.
I guess "Cyber Monday" is NOT what I thought it was. Just got served with 3 restraining orders. :(
My ring tone is a woman faintly screaming 'Help me, Superman. Help me!' and then I run away, unexplained.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!
I don't care how old I am. If I lose my mother in a super market I'm going to panic.
If someone starts a speech, "I'd like to take this opportunity--," I interrupt by shouting, "He's trying to take our opportunity! Grab him!"
Hey, China. We stuck that Mars landing.
Just finished writing "Cyber Monday does NOT mean what I thought it meant" 100,000x Can I go home now Sister Rose?
Ain't no worse feeling than someone you love thinking and believing you did something you didn't even do.
It's funny how even your best friend can suddenly hate you like a sworn enemy when they think you like the same person they like.
It's not my fault….you had dimples. 