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Opening a chain of gynecologist offices called "All Up In Yo Business." 
Even though God is my co-pilot..... He also, is on the "no-fly" list.. Thanks Sadly, to His ties to several extremist groups..... You jerks
To correct the guy from yesterday, unemployment actually once again went down, to 7.7%
The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I'm ok with you liking cats as long as you're ok with me hating you.
I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems
My wife hates it when she blows me a kiss around family and I catch it then pull down my pants and put it on my butthole.
If a girl spits on your d ick right before she sucks it, that's the universal sign for "you should probably wear a c0ndom for this one".
I shave before I masturbate because I'm worth it.
My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car does!
December 7th, 1941. Never forget. I'm boycotting sushi.
I like how on cop cars, "To protect and serve" is in quotes, like they're being sarcastic.
MTV to Ring in New Year With Ke$ha and 'Jersey Shore' Cast. So if the world ends on the 21st, it will at least spare us that.
My sixth sense is upon entering someone's home for the first time, I immediately know where the pillow forts should be built.
Remember when there was a time limit on the drinking fountain as a kid? They need that at the Redbox!
You like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain. Thus, this intervention.
"Mona Lisa sucked my kock once" Leonardo Da Vinci
So How long do I microwave these teenage turtles before I can teach them karate ?
Someone told me: Don't fall in love, you might get hurt. I said: Don't live, you might die..
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don't know anything about cars, but I do know how po rn starts off 