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The Gap always emails me at 4am. Go to bed, Gap. You're too drunk to tell me about free shipping. 
Does law enforcement ever look down at their utility belt and think, "I'm not batman, what the fuck am I doing with all this stuff?"
''Awww look my boyfriend left his Facebook open, I'm going to log him off without checking his inbox.'' - Said no woman ever
Before he tweeted the Pope had half a million followers, religion in a nutshell.
Recycle your dog and cat poop! No need to throw it away! Put it to good use and mail it to: Westboro Baptist Church C/O Fred Waldron Phelps Sr. 3791 SW 12th St Topeka KS 66604
Finally, the first snowfall of the season. Now I have a valid reason for blowing through the traffic lights.
dating a girl with kids is like starting a video game with another mans saved game
Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.
I always keep an emergency $25 gift card in my back pocket for those unexpected gifts that I get from people I wasn't expecting to get a gift from..
I made the mistake of getting my girlfriend an ipad mini for christmas. Now ipad gets more facetime than me. :(
Just once I'd like to see a random stranger gut-punch the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.
WEIRD FACTS: If a cockroach touches a human, it runs to safety and cleans itself.
My girlfriend said she has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207
Farted on the bus, 4 people turned around, felt like i'm on "The Voice"
Forget the Mayan end of the world. Y2K is still on,just it was on XP....it's still downloading....
when a woman gets what she wants, she no longer wants that...
The reality is men have no idea what women want
The Reality is: Nice and Decent is Boring. Girls want to be excited, thrilled, Led and still believe that their mate listens to them. Don't hate the players, work on your game.
I don't know why Kim Kardashian never speak much about her brother Kim Jong-un the North Korean president, now since they launched satellite into space, I bet they will soon be beaming "The Kardashians" from the space.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?" 