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Video games ARE to blame for the amount of violence in society. I'm not even comfortable talking about the amount of real life turtles I've jumped on. 
at least one person has to be sane in order for a relationship to work
Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their guns don't work on him
Cool prank: when a teacher tells you to use your inside voice start talking in tongues and vomiting blood
Kanye pulling a fast one on all of us and naming his son Rick
Tarantino sounds like a brand of frozen pizzas
*Lance begins to cry. Oprah leans in* I think what you need Lance is a....performance enhancing hug
I enter a talent show. The judges say I don't have the right stuff. I pull out Tom Wolfe's 1979 book "The Right Stuff." The crowd goes wild.
Bought a shirt with three wolves on it. Agressively seeking high fives from strangers.
I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My p3 Nis is now 235 feet long.
Ladies, please. Enough with the fighting. I have plenty of tentacles for everyone.
we can be friends or we can be spiders
Dear son, Another hard year on the farm. Father had a stroke, bills are piling up. Are you famous on facebook yet? We are proud of you! -mom
Alternate universe where all the nerds were bullied by the musicians in high school and the jocks protected them. That's where I live
Few things raise suspicion like a black guy in a Mercedes with a ski rack.
My mom just called me and told me she has a new boyfriend. Django could be a white name too, right?
There isn't a non-creepy way to compliment a girls feet.
I'm gonna wear dockers with my Hawaiian shirt to work this Friday
There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker
It's kind of cool how khaki Dockers and ugly people found each other 