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what's all the fuss about a fake girlfriend? Every girl I know is fake... 
I've stocked up on extra batteries for valentines day.
Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Well I still think it's cool he was the first man to ride a bike on the moon!
Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Yeah right...next thing you're going to tell me is that Subway's footlong sandwiches are only 11 inches long...silly people...
If I don't get at least one friend deletion on facebook every day, I feel as if I didn't do my job.
If you love somebody... Let them go. If they come back, no one wanted them
Girl I would strap 45 lb plates to my ball sack and swim up the Amazon river with Rosie O'Donnell's queef as my air supply to prove my value to you.
its Friday so you know what that means. I'm busy memorizing my spontaneous, sassy banter I'll use at the bar tonight!!
My wife keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if she keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let her in.....!!
I have a confession to make! Back in 1985 I... Wait a minute, get me Oprah!
I was told to not make decisions when I'm angry or horny. apparently, I'm never supposed to make a decision.
I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though....
A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?
I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.
Kleenex Diem! Sneeze the day!
My wife said, "I'm leaving you because you always blame everyone else when things go wrong." I said, "And who's fault is that...?"
My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.
I wish Taylor Swift would write a song called "Maybe I'm the Problem"
Brent Musburger thinks Manti Te'o's girlfriend is hot!
Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah he was Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend. 