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studies show that only 1% of heart attacks are caused by physical intimacy, but 70% of that number is through extramarital situations, usually when someone yells "honey,i'm home" 
I don't think Lance Armstrong's missing ball was ever real... I heard it and Manti Te'o's girlfriend were recently seen on vacation together in Mexico...
Ladies; Beware of sensitive poetry and inspirational-stuff-writing guys. In my experience they cry after sex, ramble about rainbows and deer and insist that you cuddle.
People at work often call me a miracle worker because its a miracle getting me to do some work.
I'm just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idol, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.
smart and psychopath are like peanut butter and jelly
We now have cable TV shows entitled, "Cooking With Honey Boo Boo". My life is clearly over..........
If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?
I always hang a sock on the door knob to let my roommate know I am getting it on with the other sock....
I just "Al Rokered" myself...........................
I started reading this book that I can't put down. It's filled with sex slavery, polygamy and incest. They're available for free at most hotel rooms.
If you use expressions such as: "My hubby ate four of the cupcakes I made...the little piggy!" Please delete from your friends list.
There needs to be a "Sorry I clogged your toilet" Hallmark card.
My son brought home his new girlfriend for Sunday dinner. The verdict? Flat-chested, fat cankles, and a cottage-cheese ass. Oh, and she doesn't react well to criticism.
I don't need drugs to have a good time, but I do need them to get through any family functions.
I put laxatives in my bosses slim fast. She's gonna be so skinny!
Why is everyone so down on Manti Te'o? When you get right down to it...all relationships are imaginary.
I want that job where you get to push scared skydivers off the plane. 