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If you use expressions such as: "My hubby ate four of the cupcakes I made...the little piggy!" Please delete from your friends list. 
There needs to be a "Sorry I clogged your toilet" Hallmark card.
My son brought home his new girlfriend for Sunday dinner. The verdict? Flat-chested, fat cankles, and a cottage-cheese ass. Oh, and she doesn't react well to criticism.
I don't need drugs to have a good time, but I do need them to get through any family functions.
I put laxatives in my bosses slim fast. She's gonna be so skinny!
Why is everyone so down on Manti Te'o? When you get right down to it...all relationships are imaginary.
I want that job where you get to push scared skydivers off the plane.
An erection is like the theory of relativity. The more you think about it. The harder it gets.
He said the spark between us was gone. So I tasered him. I'll ask him again when he wakes up
College can make you stupid, just ask Manti Te'o.
I am now officially F.U.I. = facebooking under the influence ;)
so, guns accidentally discharge at 3 different gun shows today. Man, talk about irony...
On my to the ER. I was preparing dinner and accidentally opened a can of whoop-ass.
the word would be so much better if everyone stayed in the state they were born in
FYI: Don't eat the gray cotton candy that comes out of that slot in the dryer
my cat doesn't like to go outside in the cold weather. now he has a swinging gut! I'm putting him on a diet
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it...
my underwear is kinda half- assing it today
Just discovered that one sock in my favorite pair of socks has a hole in it.....I really don't think I can go on with my day now. 