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I LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy! I HATE when the lady in the laundromat tries to take them back! :( 
why did I never realize a mustache is just a mouthbrow...
"I can't because I'll be watching the NFL Pro-Bowl", said NO ONE EVER!!
I just rubbed my cat back and forth on the carpet for 10 minutes,,, and now he can shoot lightning bolts out of his mouth.
I consider any gun that is pointed at me and fired with the intent to harm me to be an assault weapon.
There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.
breaking up is hard to do... unless of course you're mad and there's a vase nearby....
I'd have a longer attention span if things weren't so shiny
a hangover is the wrath of grapes
If they call you weird, what they're really saying is..You are a rare beauty and I wish you were mine.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.
Think of a number between 68 and 70....
Someone just told me to "have a blessed day." What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
C ondoms prevent minivans.
I think I'm falling for you. Oh, don't bother responding. I'll see myself over to the friend zone.
Things are looking up. I just made my own sandwich!
The friendzone is the cleavage of relationships
I want my name to come up when you go to therapy.
I call my bong a sculpture when kids are around.
I think its my mom's birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check. 