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Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Chinese dudes jumped out and yelled "supplies!" 
OKAY!!! OKAY!!!...... We're prepared to meet ALL your demands!.................. Just put the sharpie on the floor, and kick it over to daddy.... Please, for the love of God,, Please?
Actually saw two young people talking today. Parents must have grounded them from their phones.
you know someone it's obsessed with you when you delete them off your fb multiple times and they add you back instantly when you request them again
When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it.
G0D has granted me the Midas Touch. So far today, everything I've touched has turned to gold. Wha? Oh. Heh heh. No more Cheetos for breakfast.
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public.
Girls just wanna have funds
Does Facebook have a "You're not smart enough to be talking about politics" button?
What I know about you has earned my attention. What I don't know about you is what makes you interesting.
Your bedazzled iphone lets me know the music in it sucks.
I have 4 missed calls from my mom. A rescue team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting in my underwear on my couch eating cheetos any minute now.
What's it called when you can't commit to a girl for more than a month but you've been using the same brand toothpaste for 15 years?
My level of lazy is that I don't think house arrest would be that bad.
It pains me when I look on one side of the world and see people with nothing to eat and starving to death and on the other side I see selfish people eating more than their bodies require and die from obesity-related complications.
gonna have a zoo in my backyard so I'm never lonely
Remember, when booking a cruise its not which cruise ship to go on, its which 3rd world country you would like to go to.
I am just one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
never bet on a horse named (TRIPOD)
i found a sexy person who I love very much.... it's a shame i'm not allowed to marry myself 