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so hungry I could eat a horse!! Here I come burger king! 
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
The majority of my life is spent alone, the rest is spent feeling alone.
Holy shi t! Serena Williams is working out at my gym! Wait...maybe it's Venus. Nope... False alarm. Just some random black guy
I love Facebook like Angelina Jolie loves to fill out adoption papers.
I often wonder if idiots who rush to be first in the boarding line know that the plane is going to leave at the same time for all of us.
does things the Chicago way - He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue!
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
"Well, she told me to fist her" - Chris Brown
For god sakes I'm left handed, could you just take your own bra off?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
People really misunderstand me.....I mean, I’m a simple girl, really. I enjoy long romantic walks (to the liquor store)...quiet conversations (with my bail bondsman)....that secure feeling (that only an ankle monitoring bracelet can bring)...
There's a reason why "sober" and "so bored" sound almost exactly the same
Those who criticize our generation forget who raised it. :p
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.
Women will get botox, wax their legs, pierce their nipples and clit, pluck their eyebrows...but they won't do anal because THAT hurts?
you don't know what you don't know until you know what you didn't know...you know?
never trust a fat guy to guard your fries while you go to the men's room.
I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...
Ha ha, my dog ate one of my diuretics and is now pissing a circle around the neighbor's Corvette ...pretty sure this means that is now his car. 