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I heard Colin Kaepernick is going to lip-sync his play calls 
Who"s gonna win the Super Bowl? I predict Harbaugh wins hands down.
Time to watch me some Men in Tights. Yay Superbowl!
Tony Romo tried to throw a Superbowl party but it was intercepted
Not even a gun range has enough good guys with a gun to stop one bad guy with a gun!
Just saw an ad that read: "Fluffer wanted for movie set". They must have a lot of pillows, huh? Well, I sent my resume in, wish me luck!
First song on the radio this morning was "I got you babe"... for a second I thought I was re-living yesterday... and that I was Bill Murray...
A woman's a**hole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on it.
Are those Chinese tattoos on your neck the symbols for unemployment?
Why raise your middle finger to a hater when you can break their jaw?!
nature runs a restaurant called Karma. It's a place where there is no need to place any order. You are automatically served what you deserve.
Burger King's new company slogan: "When it comes to hunger, we don't horse around"...
a cup of Starbucks coffee and a cup of Tim Hortons coffee were talking and the Starbucks coffee asked the Tim Horton coffee "Why aren't you as bitter as I am?" The Tim Hortons coffee responded.. "Can't help it, I am Canadian!"
I appreciate the Super Bowl for uniting all Americans in our inability to read Roman numerals.
hasn't done laundry in 5 months and isn't wearing any underwear right now, just a big sock. and I do mean a BIG sock.
Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest ..... Eat a banana!
If you watch an Apple store get robbed... are you an iWitness?
Sometimes you have to accept that the person you fall for isn't ready to catch you.
Friends: "I need a new profile picture." Me: "I need a new face."
a man and his wife were having an intense fight when the wife told him to get out. so the husband packed his things and as he was leaving, the wife said "i hope you die a slow agonizing death"the husband replied "oh, so now you want me to stay? 