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USA is home of the Free? it's expensive to live here, my taxes just doubled!!! 
"Sometimes, women are so sensitive! Very nicely, I asked the woman sitting next to me if I could smell her armpits. "NO!" she exclaimed. I said, "Well, it must be your feet then." Now she's looking for something large to hit me with ツ
Why do some parents always talk about how much they love their kids but the kids live 500 miles away with the other parent?
If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape!
when I am bored, I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes
If a guy ever gave birth to a baby,,, I would pay him $1000000 to go on TV and tell the world "meh,,, it hurt,, but not like that much"
FYI: Donkeys just call them hats.
Yes I feel great this morning. Thank you wine netti pot.
So they found Richard III under a parking lot. We wil probably find Hoffa under a church.
Does Krystal accept Valentines day reservations for one?
My computer is frozen up... and it looks like moving my mouse around in circles will not fix the problem.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
I never got any good mail on Saturday anyway.
I am terrible at making comparisons. I guess I'm alot like a taco that way.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Landline !
Apple has a new device out for Chinese people. The 'iOpener'
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire
says that boot, iron and wheelbarrow were voted as bottom 3 Monopoly piece finalists and in an old fashioned game of rock-paper-scissors, wheelbarrow attempted to cart boot off, but in the end it was iron receiving the boot in a hotly contested match.
Accidentally hit the panic/alarm button on the car key and promptly panicked.......... So, it works.
unequivocally denies visiting an anti-aging clinic in Miami in order to receive performance-enhancing PEDS to do his daily status updates. Any claims to the contrary are baseless and are coming out of left field. 