Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

   Women, will you PLEASE tell your breasts to stop staring at my Eyes!? It's very offputting! How Rude!

   My ex sent me a picture to remind of what I'm giving up. I sent her a picture of my new girl so she knows I don't give a crap...

   The iPhone 5 better be waterproof, fireproof, crack proof, dirt proof, bulletproof, and be able to charge itself and cook for me.

   Noah from (Notebook) sent 365 letters to Ally. That's one letter a day for a year and you can't even send me ONE TEXT MESSAGE. B*tch swerve.

   If there's a law against showing boobs on TV, then what's with all these campaign ads?

   If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.

   Every person has a story to tell, which is why I avoid talking to most people.

   I look forward to paying off all my debt and finally getting back to just being broke.

   Homeless people's dogs must think, "Damn, this is the longest walk ever!"

   Hate on stoners all you want, but they are the reason we keep getting new flavors of Doritos.

   It's almost that time of year again when I get to pretend I'm Dexter and all the pumpkins are evil.

   Just heard that "lesbian" is no longer acceptable terminology. They are to now be called "vagitarians" ... and now you know.

   Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something.

   I won't laugh in the face of danger but I will stick my my tongue out at the back of it's head...

   Gee! There's a string in there!!!..... and thus a new style of underwear was named....

   I am thinking about going back to college to further my education. Just don't know if I am gonna fit into the stripper clothes I am gonna need to be able to pay for it.

   If there's any indication of my laziness... just ask the dime in my wash machine, that used to be a quarter.

   Alchohol: Because you have never heard a great story start with, "I once ate this salad..."

   You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise.