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Some women scream when they try clothes on in fitting rooms, but that's probably because they weren't expecting to see me in there. 
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
You mean we can log off? Wait, what? You're kidding.
My wife asked me to take her out on Valentines Day, I did & now I’m headed to prison.
DESPERATION is exactly what I look for in a woman.
Peeing after holding it in for over an hour is one of the best feelings that isn't taxed or illegal..
Google... sqrt(cos(x))*cos(300x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(6-x^2), -sqrt(6-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5
Ever had garbage in one hand, but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand?..... Anyway, my grand-daughter's o.k.
I clicked on one of those " You've been unfriended by 3 people" messages,,,,,,,,,,, Now it burns when I post..
Hey,,,, I said I'd be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
Being married for 20 years,,, our Valentine's gift to each other is usually staying awake past 8:30
If I were Obama, I'd totally lead with "My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless."
Valentine's Day: Reminding unhappy single people that they're unhappy & single since the 19th century.
I bet if pigs could fly, their wings would taste delicious!
BBQ at Bear Mountain
Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial!
Got my right hand a Valentines Day card. Had to sign it with my left hand so it will be a surprise.
Got my left hand an awesome Valentines card and vibrating glove.
I'm giving up snow for lent
I just passed a guy doused in Polo cologne. For those of you born after 1989, Polo was a popular cologne then. 